* Dedicated To Armenian Composer Eduard Hayrapetyan *
* This poem was originally written in Armenian from October 1996 to June 1997. It was revised and translated to English by me in July, 1998. It consists of 10 parts of eight stanzas each.*
Accept me, Lord, I am feeble like a crawling new infant,
Like the day of my birth I am again naked and barefoot,
Accept me, Lord, in your vineyard as a transient traveler,
So that I may reap one by one your sweetness so unequaled.
Accept me, Lord, I am weary, like a beaten brave warrior,
Save a corner for me as well in your castle unyielding,
Accept me, Lord, as a weary pilgrim to your paradise,
Let me bring this song to you as offering to your altar.
Accept me, Lord, I am alone like an alien in exile,
Who is lost in the limitless multitude of the cities,
Accept me, Lord, as a son who abandoned you long ago,
Who has with his prodigal heart loved you always, good Father!
Accept me, Lord, I have been stoned as like a dog in the streets,
By the foolish boys of neighbors who are from my own home town,
Accept me, Lord, as a boat which was thrown over to the shore,
Open for me your peaceful lap, your harbor for everyone.
I stretch my arms upward into your blueness so infinite,
I raise your hymns into the fog of your profound mystery,
Torn is my faith! It is in need of repairing and patching,
Come, tailor of the universe, cover this crack of my shame.
In every part of my desert I have now left my traces,
Still unrealized and unripened hopes I also abandoned,
After living among corpses I also turned hyena,
To predator birds I became a companion for dinner.
My caravan I have slowly pulled forward from here to there,
From the very heat of the sand I have forged all my sabers,
Many endless days I have spent by exploring far places,
My eyes do not any longer see the areas around me.
In every place I satiated my appetite of hunters,
But did not find for my stomach any kind of nourishment,
Every pocket of mine I searched to collect all my money,
But did not find anyone who would sell me what I desired.
B.
Accept me, Lord, all-powerful, all-merciful Creator,
From teachers of all religions I have become discontent,
Liars are all of the prophets! All the saviors are liars!
The greatest of philosophers has blinded me even more!
Accept me, Lord, O fountain of guiding lights to happiness,
Penetrate now into the heads of the dark minds, O knower,
Make fanatics understand that there is not one holy truth,
Neither in church, nor in the mosque, nor in any man’s temple!
Each religion made savages of every one even more,
Each holy book still even more multiplied all the orphans,
Let the lying tongues of preachers who own the truth be severed,
There is not one man who can claim that he knows your mystery.
Accept me, Lord, I am helpless like a sprout just newly grown,
Nourish me like a baby which prematurely has been born,
Inspire me like my grandfathers with valor and nobleness,
Make my orchard flower with all your blessings so generous.
From the damp cold of my questions my black clouds turned so heavy,
From imploring for your lightnings my lips became full of cracks,
Already the wicked whispers of my doubts are so endless,
Have faith in your monologuing delirious one, O my king!
With melodies of the angels open now my deafened ears,
With visions so miraculous open now my dusty eyes,
Like an unknown distant planet send to me your life-giving
Heat of the rays for inside me the snow and frost have settled.
Every time I complain to you and insult you with anguish,
Every time I swing forth my fists with so much rage against you,
Every time I fill my soul with the smoke of a new incense,
Know that I am searching for you to live just one day in peace!
Know that from too much of climbing my ankles have become worn,
Digging in the mud of my depth all of my nails are consumed,
Like blades of grass I now tremble from the softest of breezes,
Like a hermit I escape from acquaintances who greet me.
C.
Take notice now, I call you from the roof tops of my tower,
From horizon to horizon I await for your glances,
Like an old and disabled hawk I am perched on strings of hope,
And like a king who was dethroned I search for my old glory.
Take notice now, I am breathless from the fears which pursue me,
From the copious smoke of my lamps my books also have turned black,
Retreating from the struggles of my existence I am tired,
I have sealed my will like someone who has even not one heir.
Thick fat layers have subjected my whole body to a siege,
I kept fasting but my faith did not have the will of the saints,
Give heavenly lightness to me, my knees are now so painful,
All of my joints have become hard and resist me constantly.
A victory seems was promised to me as well, there was none,
After fighting in many wars I still remained without spoils,
Instead of the welcome trumpets I only heard ridicule
That I am mad and my struggle is just dream and illusion!
Yet is it dream, or illusion, to not become like the fools,
To reduce life merely to the worship and fear of matter?
Yet is it dream, or illusion, to not yield to ignorants,
That there is no purpose except to be servant to blind lust?
Yet is it dream, or illusion, to keep the hope to return
To our lands of four thousand years and liberate them at last?
Yet is it dream, or illusion, to mourn for the million lives,
Which were murdered in the desert so that I may sing for them?
Yet is it a dream, or illusion, to push away each minute
All that violates the bounds of my identity and instinct,
The low scoundrel who insults my intelligence and judgment,
Or the salesman who promises to give me all I desire?
No, it’s not a dream, nor illusion, but you are blind willingly,
You have become accomplices to those who maim your own souls,
No, it’s not a dream, nor illusion, you have buried your feelings,
Being so thrilled with your objects you yourselves turned to objects!
D.
Accept me, Lord, make me grasp the secrets of my existence,
I am only a sad second from the universe of time,
Accept me, Lord, as a free and a permanent citizen,
Give me the gift of a passport which has no date to expire.
Help me, O Lord, O sculptor of all the mountains and valleys,
Help me, O Lord, painter of all miraculous glowing dawns,
Help me, O Lord, you ocean of mercy which is bottomless,
Help me, O Lord, you garden of peacefulness where honey flows.
Unrefuted, immutable Principle of Cognition,
Wipe off the chrism of my forehead and give me a new baptism,
My affliction from suspicions has exiled me many years
From your Eden which was erased from all my maps piece by piece.
Erased was my innocence and erased was my illusion,
Erased was my ravishment and erased was my wonderment,
Erased was my feeble will and erased was my bravery,
Erased, erased, erased was my confidence and faith in you.
And only then abundantly my tears began to pour down,
And only then around my soul I began to wrap a shroud,
And only then did I elect to find my own religion,
To find my own supreme law which disrespected all others.
Look, I have now opened my sail and am waiting for your wind,
With storm-beaten skull of mine now I am chasing your tempests,
In my sailboat this time only two passengers have remained,
Myself and the sinful and drunk owner of my own body.
The thirsty stalks of my flowers are awaiting for your dew,
My roots have all become tangled, I am an unholy corpse,
In vain have I been drinking from the fountains of nothingness,
My fruits are ripe but nobody reaps them to have nourishment.
In the place of soaring your skies I became fixed like a tree,
In the place of wings of eagles I bear skin of elephants,
With many sighs I moved forward, and from torment became vile,
From a green bud like a tulip I have flowered with my wounds.
E.
O you foolish stallion of mine, born to gallop endlessly,
Past this mountain you must soon fly, for you there is no way out,
O you leader incompetent, O you beaten general,
With which armies will you go on waging a war constantly?
Give rest to your crazy gallop, you’ve become old already,
From the stinging bite of your spurs free yourself now, my stallion,
You do not need your saddle’s load, chew your bridle violently,
You have earned your liberty now, you have become wild again.
Do not recall the eruption which scattered all your ashes,
Do not recall the contractions of your wombs which stayed barren,
Do not recall the promises of your buds killed by the winds,
Do not recall, do not recall, the oaths which were recanted.
Do not recall a smile which you did not reap and it withered,
Do not recall a lip which you did not suck and it shriveled,
Do not recall a warm lap where your head used to fall asleep,
Do not recall the moments when your heart became petrified.
Do not recall the fall of your brave dynasty of princes,
And why the scourge struck our people when we were so unprepared,
And why our sabers have become cracked under feet of elephants,
Do not recall the torturing of your noble grandfather.
And refuse to forgive the foe seventy and seven times,
And refuse to forgive cowards seventy and seven times,
Not seventy but ten thousand spears of fire let them see
Flying out of your furious eyes, O my stallion heroic.
Do not let wolves think that your hooves are already so battered,
Let them not think that from biting your teeth became splintered,
Show them, open your lion’s mouth wide to reveal your armor,
With terrible roaring make them escape from us far away.
Do not let mules think that they are so similar to yourself,
For that passion is needed which they denied when tied with fear,
For that rapture is needed which they forgot so long ago,
For that courage is needed so they will not fear from the peaks.
F.
We retreated step by each step walking backward like a serf,
We retreated determined to not resist to every step,
We retreated and here we are continuing to retreat,
Mercy, mercy for the baby who sits upon our shoulders.
We retreated from the lands of our fathers of centuries,
We retreated from the values which attached us together,
We retreated and here we are continuing to retreat,
Mercy, mercy to the sap which flows inside of our weak bones.
We retreated being subdued with the blind faith of sinners,
We retreated by cowering from the shame of imposed guilt,
We retreated by deceiving ourselves with hopes which were false,
By bowing to the tyrants and by listening to our leaders.
Let all the dead now assemble in this courtyard of mourning,
And let us all raise our voices for a choir of requiem,
From everywhere let the corpses of Deyr Zor now resurrect,
The symphony of million steps of million men let explode.
Let then the sound of million steps of million men now burst out,
Let the thunder of million steps of million men now blast out,
Let history be written with the hands of these million men,
With million men’s complicity let this crime be understood.
Let the sound waves of the sobbing of million men now be heard,
The phosphorus of all the bones of million men be dazzled,
Let Armenian soldiers who served in the army of the Turks
Be brought here now before us and be seated for their trial.
Bring here as well Catholicos Sahag fettered by his chains,
Bring the Patriarch of Istanbul and the gold digging aghas,
Bring the stakes and impale on them the heads of the Amiras,
Record the names of the shepherds who had misled their own flocks.
We retreated by believing, we retreated worshipping,
A million men’s million prayers were still not heard by cryng,
We retreated and here we are continuing to retreat,
With million men’s complicity we are again defeated.
G.
Accept me, Lord, I am a frame hung from the wall and ignored,
Which is weary of the glances of indifferent passersby,
Accept me, Lord, as forgotten poet for your own glory,
Let me show you what kind of songs I created for your lyre.
Let me show you all my diamond necklaces made with letters,
Let me show you all the laces of beads which I wove for you,
Let me offer the best of the verses I made from my words,
Let me bring you the cries of all the bulls which I have subdued.
Those who believe that you ignore all the evil in the world,
That you are so indifferent to cruelty and deaf to pain,
Let them know that you created the human with his free will,
Only he did from ignorance commit every foolishness.
You have taught us to do justice and you gave us liberty,
You have washed us with truth as well, against evil you armed us,
But the faith of slaves which we had taught us only to forgive,
And made virtue of accepting weakness and shame and violence.
With the clergy’s hypocrisy our spirit was afflicted,
The church became the brother of perpetrators of carnage,
When everywhere the darkness ruled they preached to us obedience,
They delivered sermons of lies instead of crates of bullets.
My nostrils now are satiated with the incense of censers,
They only want to breathe the smell which comes from warm gun powder,
Let all the bells of the churches be hung from the necks of sheep,
Let victory marches be played not the dirges of funerals.
Let the smoke of all religions be dispersed now from my eyes,
Lucidity, lucidity, grant me O Lord, profusely,
Let me see you without the masks given to you by prophets,
Let your image be drawn for me with all the rays of the sun.
Lucidity, lucidity, grant me O lord, yet still more,
In blurry and shallow waters I am stuck to the bottom,
Give warmth O lord, give warmth to my shivering and diseased soul,
Let me find you before they come to demand my last ashes.
For a moment I suddenly dreamt that I reached my last day,
And then like a world conqueror I stood upon your border,
And from the far you showed to me the proof of your own promise,
But yet how could my little brain contain your infinity?
For a moment I suddenly whispered alone to myself
That I became liberated from the vain world finally,
I am bored from throwing my fruits everywhere from here to there,
And to become the reluctant witness of their slow decay.
For a moment at once I saw your miracle in a girl,
And under her soft caresses I became drunk with sweet love,
I understood your ecstasy when I was in her warm thighs,
With the highs and lows of her breasts I heard the hymns of your praise.
For a moment I suddenly captured and kept her essence,
And remembered my younger days when a kiss would make me fly,
For a moment I understood how I could join with her flesh
And hold her soul with me always for the rest of my journey!
But every day became hostage to the pain of what I lost,
And every day I paid ransom for my kidnapped memories,
All the precious water I drank from your vats of wisdom
Dripped out slowly from my fingers which had clasped it so tightly!
And yet how could I still pay for the balance of all my debts,
To which prison should I be sent for all the laws which I broke,
And how could I with earthly courts now defend my own trial,
When my guilt is of the heaven with which proof could I argue?
Accept me, Lord, as a weary but a ceaseless explorer,
Who has become bored from finding nothing but just illusions,
And if I am a teacher then where is my school and honor,
And where are my students who crossed mountains to ask me questions?
Where are all those who had searched for a flower in my garden,
Where are all those who harvested from my labor a reward,
Where are those who by refusing the barley fed to the herds
Arrived to me to be nourished by the red meat of lions?
I.
Boundless, endless waterfall of power yet by love restrained,
Lord, I await for your glorious apparition constantly,
Let me gift you those of my works which became born and matured
In those moments when with your dew the thoughts I had became wet.
Let me collect, only for you, Lord of every pregnancy,
Sower of seeds which are often neglected and rejected,
Let me offer you from the best of my orchard’s lasting fruits
Only those which became sweetened with the lights of your blessings.
But tell me, Lord, where should I place my fruits which were unripened,
Those which remained undeveloped like my bitter emotions,
Tell me, O Lord, where should I place all of those which rejected
Your warmth and your water so pure and your kiss from the heaven?
Tell me, O Lord, where should I place all those which were rejected,
After waiting so long for rain they fell down and were rotten,
How should I make them understand that everything was in vain,
There was not one meaning in their lives so short and so tragic?
Accept even them as well, Lord, do not reject anything,
Even with all their blemishes accept all and everyone,
Let not one life which has survived with the divine breath of yours
Be wasted and condemned as well to eternal perdition.
Let not one life come to realize that it has lived just in vain,
That it returned from life like a beggar with just empty hands,
Accept, O Lord, all those who with sincerity attempted
To be fount of prosperity but yet have caused misery.
Bring your mercy to trampled eggs which were hatching to be chicks,
To the lighthouse which was brought down by the cannons of pirates,
To the oak trees with the thick trunks which fell down by countless worms,
The weakest souls which were sucked dry and conquered by parasites.
Bring your mercy to the young rose which was strangled by thistles,
To the rivers confined within immense walls and turned to lakes,
To the faces of geniuses which were poisoned by the flies,
And of the proud mountains which were stripmined and then beheaded.
J.
O blissfulness so abundant of blessings which are countless,
Help me explain your secrets to orphans who were abandoned,
How can I dig into your depth, O you who made the oceans,
Without staining the reverence for your pristine majesty?
O you monarch magnificent of the knights of compassion,
O you patient consoler of agonizing suffering,
Throne of the lights, torch of the stars, illuminate, O savior,
Give everyone life giving breath, O creator of all breath!
You the storehouse of ideas, the ocean of emotions,
Untouchable holiness and lecturer of geniuses,
Unshakable mightiness and unweighable plenitude,
Everlasting peacefulness and perpetual existence.
Infinity of justice and abundance of truthfulness,
O judge who is unbribable and unbiased management,
O accountant of crimes which are unpunished and still hidden,
O attorney of the nameless innocents who are condemned.
Like wandering comets I am now aimlessly revolving,
I have traveled for many years but yet still have no orbit,
I crossed countless galaxies but do not yet have one homeland,
O Lord, where is your palace now, give refuge for me to rest.
Accept me, Lord, accept me, Lord, give me the joy of your saints,
The muscles of my necks became so hardened from begging you,
I have worn out the wooden steps of my ladder of wisdom,
Enigma is my existence why am I here tell me Lord.
Accept me, Lord, accept me, Lord, in the altar of your soul,
Fill my lungs just for one instant with the fragrance of your grace,
Open in my limited skull a wide window for your sun,
O the compass of my conscience, I am perished without you.
In your garden I am waiting for your coming anxiously,
Both of my fists have been crushed from always beating on your door,
Going astray from here to there I have become a phantom,
Accept me, Lord, I wait for you, noble Father, embrace me!
Ontario, California
